When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk… and occasionally, cycle the earth.
Most people are afraid of zombies, and for good reason – they want to eat your head. Whether they are scaring the stuffing out of you in the cinema or soaking up some of your precious bullets in a video game, zombies have become very much the monster of the moment.
If you want to look deeply into it, the zombie has been used as an allegorical symbol of humanity’s blind ambition to eradicate itself as well as a great metaphor for the West’s reliance on mass consumerism. On the surface, however, shambling from one terrified survivor to the next, the zombie can only mean one thing – trouble.
With no electricity, the children had to entertain themselves by seeing how many zombies they could spit on in an hour; it soon became an Olympic event. (Source)
Some would run and hide, some would drop to their knees and pray, but most would become zombie chow. Those of us with a modicum of foresight and a smidgen of hypochondria would erect a structure impenetrable to the hordes of flesh-eating death-bringers.
So here it is dead-heads; five examples of zombie-proof architecture. Prepare to feel unprepared.
Is that a cruise ship? Why the hell didn’t I think of that? I hate this stupid sea fort… I hate my life. (Source)
The bad news is you live on what looks like an oil rig; the good news is you can kiss your zombie fears goodbye… unless there was some form of zombie squid-like creature, but what are the chances of that?
When the world looks back at grainy, sepia photography, it’ll say ‘ah, everything was picturesque back then, especially rusty old sea forts.’ (Source)
Originally built during the Second World War as gun emplacements, the Red Sands towers were abandoned and used to host an easy-listening pirate radio station. If you wind up here when the zombies come, you can continue the proud tradition of easy-listening pirate radio. Who would have thought Lionel Ritchie would be the soundtrack to the apocalypse?
About bloody time – Meryl, the zombies are coming. This is my time to shine. (Source)
Dubbed ‘The Safe House’, this Polish build was completed in 2009 and at night completely folds in on itself, becoming impenetrable to marauding flesh-munchers.
Please don’t jam, please don’t jam, please don’t jam, please don’t jam, please don’t jam, please don’t jam… Meryl, I think it’s jammed! (Source)
Whilst the safe house’s principal concern is with safety, the main body of the house is quite a spacious and airy design. The fact that it folds into a three-foot-thick cement box is just an added bonus.
Meryl, did you bring the cat in...? Shit. (Source)
Can zombies climb moss? Surely not… SURELY not… quick, where are my hedge trimmers?
Whilst it may not be as flash and as extravagant as some of the other establishments on the list, the Shime mine does at least have a certain cubist elegance to it. Built in the early 1940s to increase the amount of coal the mine could yield, the tower has become a minor attraction for the local area. I imagine it’s quite quiet around those parts.
Postcard idea #2659 ‘Come to Shime, we’re MINES better than the rest!’ (Source)
The Shime coal mine in Japan will protect you from your decaying aggressors, while giving you a lovely view of the neighboring town of Fukuoka… as it burns to the ground.
It’s just like Brokeback Mountain up here. I wish Heath and Jake were around… sigh. (Source)
A simple, secluded farmhouse in the middle of the Adirondack Mountains in NY State does not look like the kind of place one would choose to sustain a siege by Satan’s fan club. Until, that is, you realize it’s been built upon a secret missile silo and has been converted to weather even the most riotous of cataclysms.
Perfect for entertaining… and hiding corpses. (Source)
The silo features two subterranean levels (not including the silo shaft) and can sleep an entire family while the rest of the world chews its own elbows off. The house comes with its own runway and aircraft hanger, so you can spot the undead before they head your way… then throw grenades at them.
My house is orange and propped up by two chestnut trees; your argument is invalid. (Source)
Initially, people will laugh at you. They will scoff and guffaw at your quaint little house on stilts that looks like it’s from a Beatrix Potter book. But you will have the last laugh when the flesh chompers come, and those ignoramuses are too busy attempting to prevent their children being eaten alive to admit they were wrong. Oh, how you’ll laugh.
Hello, I’d like to talk to you about your broadband provider; can you spare a minute? (Source)
Japanese architect (and probable maniac) Terunobu Fujimori built his “tea house too high” to be an extension of his body. While most of us would consider this to be slightly odd, you may also want to consider Fujimori-san’s position when the zombies arrive; i.e., higher up than you.
So there you have it; five perfect examples of zombie-proof architecture. I hope you’ve learned how hopelessly inadequate your current house or place of business is. I’d advise saving up and purchasing one of these modern marvels as soon as humanly possible. Think of it as an investment… zombie insurance, if you will. Just don’t forget the shotgun shells; survivors of zombie outbreaks always run out of shotgun shells. Amateurs.
Even the walking dead need high-quality sewing equipment. (Source)
Oh, and just in case you were wondering, when the festering masses of the necromancer’s groupies are heading your way, don’t go to the mall. A building with plate glass windows and 30,000 fire escapes is not going to do you any favors, no matter how many sporting goods stores it has.